


Letters

by AnneAce



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Captain America: The First Avenger, Death, Letters for loved ones after passing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-11 13:31:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19928860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneAce/pseuds/AnneAce
Summary: From the time Steve was five till the time he died he wrote letters to the people who loved him and he loved back, whenever he felt like he was dying.





	Letters

There were letters. Of course, there were letters. At first, they were addressed to his Ma. Steve was five when one of the elderly neighbors in his apartment died. When he saw her family standing around with papers he had asked his Ma what they were. She had explained to him that when some people were dying they left letters to their loved ones.

Steve figured that since he was usually dying that he should write one. So he made one of the older kids help him write one. They helped him spell check it and everything, whatever spell checking was.

_Dear Ma,_  
_I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get up this time. I just wanted to let you know that I love you forever._  
_Love,_  
_Steve_

He put the letter in an envelope and then put that envelope in his art book. If he died his Ma would definitely keep his art so he knew she would find it there. Steve didn’t tell her about it though. That would just make her sad and worry so Steve didn’t tell her. He wanted his Ma to be happy.

Over the next few years, Steve started to get in the habit of writing a letter every time he thinks he might die. He doesn’t tell anyone though. It’s just for him and the people who love him. The only person he loves and loves him back is his Ma. By the time Steve’s turns eight, his letter has gotten a little longer thanks to school, but he can’t put them in his art book anymore. There are too many. Steve doesn’t really know what he should do with an old letter. Instead of his art book, he puts them behind his bookshelf. His Ma will find them eventually.

The summer that Steve was eight and wasn’t sick. He met Bucky aka James “don’t call me Buchanan” Barnes. Well really Bucky saved him, but they didn’t talk about that. Steve had been fighting a group of older boys who had been throwing rocks at a dog. Least to say it was Bucky who had saved him from getting knocked into next week. Since that moment they had been inseparable. Bucky quickly became Steve’s best friend. It was nice to have someone to play with.

The next time Steve was pretty sure he was dying he wrote his letter to his Ma.

_Dear Ma,_  
_I know eight isn’t that old, but I think it’s older than you expected me to get. I left some drawings for you in my sketchbook. After all, you’re the strongest person Ever, and the prettiest. I’m sorry I dibn’t get to make you more drawings, but I’ll love you forever._  
_Love,_  
_Steve_

Steve didn’t stop writing after that like he usually did. Which confused him. The first word on the second letter stared at him for a long time. He coughed and relaxed back into his bed. Bucky’s voice drifted into his room from the kitchen where Bucky was talking to his Ma. Steve smiled as he realized why he had started a second letter. He loved Bucky and Bucky loved him. Well did two guys love each other? Not according to the Priest at church. Well, best friend love was a thing right? Steve decided that was good enough and wrote his second letter.

_Dear Bucky,_  
_I know we haven’t known each other long. Still I’m glad we meet. you are my very bestest friend. My only friend, but that boesn’t matter. Thank you for being with me. I’m with you till the end of the line._  
_You’re Pal,_  
_Steve_

Whenever Steve was sick, Bucky was always there to help his Ma take care of Steve. Which Steve really appreciated, especially as he got older. When Steve was young he hadn’t really realized how much of a hassle it was to keep him alive and out of fights. By the time Bucky and himself got into high school, he was painfully aware that he was a lot of trouble. Steve tried to pull his own weight, but he didn’t have a lot of options on what he could do. Still, Bucky and his Ma never complained. Well, Bucky complained about the amount of fights he got into, but that didn’t count.

It was also in high school that Steve finally accepted that he loved Bucky more than in the best friend kind of way. He loved him in the romantic and sexual way that was utterly sinful. Steve stopped going to Church. God apparently had no room in his heart for Steve and he figured if that was the case then there was no room for Steve in God’s Church either. Steve was good at accepting facts. He had learned to accept that he was going to die young, and he would learn to accept that he was going to hell.

_Dear Ma,_  
_I know that when you die you’re going to go to Heaven. You’re the best kind of person and I know I’ll never live up to that. I try every day though. If I don’t see you in the next life, then I want you to know the biggest honor I’ve ever had or will ever have is that I’m your son. I can’t begin to describe how thankful I am that you put so much effort into keeping me alive, even though I’m dead if you’re reading this. Sometimes I forget that you aren’t nearly as good at these goodbyes as I am, but I want you to know that I’m always thinking about you. I’ll love you forever._  
_Love,_  
_Steve_

_Dear Bucky,_  
_Listen. You’re reading this and you’re hating everything right now. That’s what you’ve always done. It’s not your fault that I died though. Look I’ve always been destined to die too young. I’m okay with dying. Listen, though Buck. You made me okay with living. Every day I lived was exciting, and beautiful because I knew you were going to be there with me. Your friendship was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I know I was never able to thank you properly for it. Bucky. I don’t know what I’d ever do without you, so. I’m with you, until the end of the line._  
_Your Best Pal,_  
_Steve_

Steve lost his Ma.

It was the hardest thing he ever experienced. Steve had never thought his Ma would die before he did. Except for her own sickness hit her hard, and there was no going back. He felt numb. Steve was us to saying goodbye he had just never had to listen to someone say it to him. His Ma left him a letter, but he had never expected how hard it was to read one until he received it.

Bucky offered to read it with him. Steve wanted to do it by himself though. One day Bucky was going to have to read a letter from Steve by himself and Steve figured that he should know how it felt. Maybe he could write a better letter to Bucky then. He sat on his bed, the one Bucky had moved him into when they both realized that Steve probably shouldn’t live alone. Opening the letter was hard, but reading it was harder.

_Dear Steve,_  
_Neither of us was expecting me to die first. I’m writing this just in case I don’t pull throughout of this sickness. If you read this well I guess I find a lot of solace in that. A mother should never have to lose her child. I’ve asked Bucky to look after you while I can’t. He laughed at me, which I suppose serves me right. Bucky adores you just as much as I do. If I asked him to stay away from you he’d just run to you faster. Steve you’re going to be just fine. Take care of Bucky and let Bucky take care of you. You were the light of my life. Thank you, Steve._  
_Love,_  
_Your Mother._

Steve was sobbing by the time he finished reading the letter. Bucky came in and wrapped his arms around Steve holding him close. His Ma was right Bucky would take care of him forever, but what was Bucky going to do when Steve died?

After that, there was only one person to write letters to. His Ma was dead so that left Bucky as the only person who loved him and he loved back. No matter how wrong that love was, and as they lived together that love only got worse. Despite that, for a while, Steve could barely write letters to him when he was on death’s door.

_Dear Bucky,_  
_I’m sorry._  
_I’m with you till the end of the line._  
_Your Pal,_  
_Steve_

Which was all horrible. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t what Bucky deserved in a letter. What Bucky deserved and what Steve had the strength to write were two different things. Steve couldn’t write a decent letter for Bucky until after Bucky left for the war, and Steve met Peggy Carter.

Peggy was a special kind of woman. She reminded Steve a lot of Bucky. Which maybe was why he started the letter before he took the serum the way he did.

Dear Bucky,  
I’ve met the best Gal. You’re going to love her Buck. If I could I’d probably love her as well. She inspires me to do more, just like you do. I want you to know that even though I adore her I like you more in every way. The point is I have this chance where I might not be needed to write as many of these letters to you. It might kill me, but I’ve been dying my whole life anyway. I need to see you again and if I don’t do this I won’t be here when you do make it back home. Maybe I’ll even meet you out on the battlefield. Bucky. I’m with you till the end of the line.  
Your Pal,  
Steve.

The serum worked. Steve almost wished it hadn’t. The blood of that day still rested on his hands and all he could see were bodies and he was dancing in them. Steve didn’t write another letter to Bucky. What was the point? He was big and strong, and like always useless. Eventually, they took the little tour group overseas, but Steve was almost so ashamed of himself that he didn’t want to see Bucky anymore. How had he let himself get to this point?

Then he heard that Bucky and his troop were being held captive. After that Steve couldn’t let anyone tell him what to do. He had to get to Bucky and if he died trying, well then so be it. Steve had been dying his whole life, and if this gave Bucky the chance at living then so be it. He wrote his next letter in Howard Stark’s plane. Which was pretty crazy in itself.

_Dear Bucky,_  
_So you’re going to hate me right now. I can already hear you yelling at my grave. Why in God’s name would I go this far into enemy territory with no backup? Well, the answer happens to be you. Bucky you’re the most important thing in my life and I can’t live without you. When you see me you’re going to have a heart attack. I don’t think I turned out that bad though. You’ll have to let me know. Bucky if there is a god out there and he isn’t just some cruel bastard, he’ll let me save you before he takes me. I’ll live with anything, but you leaving me behind. I’m with you till the end of the line._  
_Your Pal,_  
_Steve_

Steve tucked the letter into his pocket and jumped out of the plane.

He got Bucky back. Bucky yelled at him. They both cried. Bucky might have kissed him, but that was their secret. The history books would never need to know. Steve left a trail of goodbye letters all over Europe. He couldn’t take them with him anymore. Fighting meant moving fast and they didn’t need anything to hold them back. Besides Bucky would only ever need one letter. Steve wrote Bucky a letter before every mission just in case and tossed it into the wild every time they came back. Steve would fight every Hydra agent out there so that he could finally stop dying and live with Bucky as he had always dreamed of.

Bucky thought the plan was stupid. Though Bucky would never let him complete a stupid plan by himself. That night as they camped out to wait for the train that would come in the morning Steve and Bucky sat in the back of their tent holding each other. Steve wrote his letter. The same one he always wrote. They were all the same now, even if the words were different.

_Dear Bucky,_  
_Without you, I would have never lived a full complete life. You are my inspiration. You are my drive. You are everything I have ever wanted. I know that if I don’t come back tomorrow you’ll finish the work I started. I know that you’ll live a full and happy life because that is what your presence in the world does. Give Peggy a kiss for me. Tell the men that each moment is a gift. And Bucky if nothing else remember I’m with you, until the end of the line._  
_Your Pal,_  
_Steve_

Steve had been dying his entire life. He had expected to die before his Ma and Bucky, young and sick. Now he was older and stronger and they were both gone. This was not how he had accepted life to go. If God was real he was cruel for taking Bucky like that. Steve was the one who was supposed to die, not Bucky. The only one brave enough to approach him that night was Peggy. She brought him a letter from Bucky.

_Dear Steve,_  
_I love you. I’ll always love you. And I’m with you till the end of the line._  
_Love,_  
_Bucky_

Peggy was with him as he cried. If he ever loved a woman it would have been her. Bucky though, Bucky had never beat around the bush. Though Bucky hadn’t ever cared about the risk of two men loving each other. Steve wished he had cared a little less as well. If he had been a better person he would have used the phrase just once “love”, but he hadn’t.

From the time Steve was five till the time he died he wrote letters to the people who loved him and he loved back, whenever he felt like he was dying. There was no letter to write as he drove a plane into the arctic. There was just the letter his Ma and Bucky had written him in his front pocket. Steve only wrote letters when he felt like he was dying. Sailing into the pitless icy blue of the ocean Steve wasn’t dying, no he had died when Bucky’s body fell out of the train. Steve didn’t die as the plane crashed down, he was returning back home to Bucky.


End file.
